Odd Girl Out....

I just finished a book for my book club titled "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. This book wasn't a novel, more like a research book on the aggression of girls. She spent one year talking to girls ages 9-adult about relationships. She shares a lot of stories from these conversations she had throughout that year, as well as insights into how to deal with bullies. Until I read this book, I'd forgotten how hard it was to be a girl when your whole life revolves around who you associate with, and who is willing to associate with you. I'd forgotten about that time in 6th grade when I was trying to overcome the status of "new girl" in a school and how very hard it was. I'd forgotten about how hard I cried alone in my room when my only friend Kerri turned on me and called me an Indian Giver because I asked her to give me back something that was rightfully mine. I'd forgotten how she managed to get everyone to ignore me for 3 days and when she was helping the teacher rearrange the desks she put mine in the very back of the room so I'd have to watch all of them talk about me and laugh without me. Bad memories. Worse was the memory brought to my mind of when I was the one being the aggressor. The year before I suffered, I caused the suffering. I was absent for 2 days and when I returned a new girl was sitting next to Annie, my best friend. They were laughing about things I'd missed. I started to like Mandi P., she was nice. Our group let her into the circle for a few weeks. After a while Christa was sick of her, so we had to be too. We shunned her. After a week she quit coming to school. We never saw her again. At the end of the school year Annie and I discussed how bad we felt and went to where she lived to make it better. Nobody answered the door. At the end of the driveway we looked back and saw a woman in the window. She told us Mandi had moved because some girls treated her horribly. She thought we were there to be nice. If she only knew we were actually the reason she felt the need to leave. This book reminded me of how hard it was to be a girl when weird social hierarchies rule, and it also opened the terror in my heart as realization set in that I have my own daughter who will encounter such situations. I hope she is never faced with a horrible life-changing scenario caused by back-biting, rumors, and catty girls. I hope she can just find girls to be friends with that like her for who she is, and are nice. I hope she is one of the nice girls at her school and not one of the ones trying to cause conflict. I'm glad I read this book. Even though Pandora's box of worries has now been opened I have been reminded of what it was like. Hopefully I will now be more understanding when my daughter doesn't want to go to school because of a bad hair day, or because the zit on her nose shines like Rudolph. Maybe now I'll have a little more empathy instead of just saying "get over it". I'm just glad I'm not in Jr. High anymore. Adults can be "girls" too, but now I have the confidence to walk away and not get sucked in.