Motherhood

Motherhood seems to be full of guilt. Did I yell at them too much today? Should I let them drop-out of baseball because they hate it terribly? Did I jump in too soon and not give them a chance to solve that problem alone? Guilt, guilt, guilt. I'm racked with it morning until night. Then sometimes I dream about it. What I'm not teaching them, what I am teaching them, what I'm not feeding them, what I am feeding them. I could go on and on for eternity and never finish the list of things I feel guilty about. So, when I have one of those sweet moments with one of them and witness them making a good choice, on their own, without mother intervention, I relish it. My kids are actually really good kids inspite of what I do or don't do on a daily basis. They all seem to be compassionate at times, helpful at times, and just downright lovely to be around. Today I seemed to have a sweet moment with each child and I feel the need to give them credit where credit is due. (to some of you these simple situations might seem odd, but to me each one took one second of guilt away from my cluttered mind)

#1) Ethan. He's oldest so he goes first, not to show favoritism. We have a neighbor boy down the street his same age. They pretty much have a love/hate relationship. This boy happens to be an only child so doesn't quite understand little brothers. I've heard Ethan yelling at him before only to find out it was actually in defense of poor little Landon or Jack, or sometimes even Kennedy. Ethan holds his guns. Tonight I was trying to make dinner and heard Landon sneak out the garage door. A few minutes later Ethan stuck his head in and yelled, "I've got Landon outside with me, is that okay?" Wow. I get to make dinner without my baby crying to play outside? Score 1 for Ethan. Tonight I took the 3 boys to the wading pool for about 30 minutes while Shawn took Kennedy to her t-ball game and then on a little date. We took the neighbor boy with us. My admiration of Ethan's tolerance and patience went up 10 fold. This kid is obnoxious. Ethan would just say "knock it off" and go about doing whatever he was doing. Never once did he try to harm the boy. Lucky the pool closed so soon because my tolerance was quickly dissipating. Ethan is always quick to notice my bad days and say something smooth to butter me up. He has quick wit that is quite charming. He's likable. I'm glad he belongs to me. (Even when some lucky woman snatches him up after his mission and some college and thinks he is all hers, I'll still call him mine).

#2) Kennedy. What a beauty. She has the most beautiful little face spotted in freckles. I just love to look at her. I can't get enough! It always amazes me the "motherly" instinct she naturally holds. She is the one I ask to help with Landon when I really need it. Or Jack. She is one that instead of stepping over the wrapper one of the boys left on the living room floor, she'll pick it up and throw it away. She is such a great little helper. She is fun to shop with even. Instead of whining and throwing a gigantic tantrum about the adorable skirt she just has to own, she'll hold it up and say "Look Mom, wouldn't I be soooo cute in this?" How can I say no to that? She's obviously smart. I'm always worried about her shyness. Afraid she won't be able to speak up, especially to adults. Today we were leaving the Ice House Gas Station (another lovely library prize---32 oz. of nothing but sugar contained by a cup). A man was holding the door for all me and my little people to go through and it was Kennedy who spoke up and said "Thank you for holding the door". My heart did a little skip-a-dee-do.

#3) Jackson. This kid gets a bad rap. I'll admit that I'm the first to dub him troublemaker of the bunch. But, what you don't hear often enough about him is his sweet gentle side. Today at the library we had just finished checking out a bazillion books. My arms were full of various novels and Landon, and Jack starts screaming that he didn't check out a movie. "Next time". I head out to the van with everyone else. Here comes Jack screaming through the doorway holding none other than the much needed but not yet checked out movie. I buckled all the kids in (don't call social services) and led Jack back inside. While we were waiting in line I knelt down next to him and explained that this one time I would allow him to check out the movie. Next time he better as heck decide the minute we enter the library to get a movie because this would never again be allowed. I stood back up. What did he do? He grabbed a hold of my hand and kissed it. "Thanks Mom, you rock". Then he squeezed my thigh as any 3 year old could. Funny thing is, he ALWAYS does stuff like that. He's so stinkin' adorable and squishy, how could anyone not love this child? Last week I was really tired so I was laying on my bed watching tv. I heard him coming down the hall so I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. (not so nice of me, but we aren't focussing on that now). I felt him climb up onto my bed. He pulled the covers up onto me, then kissed my cheek. I seriously wanted to cry it was so sweet!

#4) Landon. This kid is funny. He can't really talk yet, but he understands everything. I mean everything. He is also very loving. Today I was on the computer and every few minutes he'd come into me and just hug my leg, lean in for a kiss, and then go about his business. I don't have any really great stories because he is so small, but this kid has potential. He's going to be a heart-breaker with those big brown eyes and long eyelashes.

Those are my little kids. I admit that I complain about them often, but now amidst the complaints I hope you can sense my true love for them. Amazing how one can become so attached to these little people. It amazes me to think that I actually had the opportunity to bring them into this world. They definitely make the world a better place.