Learning Curve....

Becoming a mother has a definite learning curve. At least for me. Some women are natural mothers. The day they bring home their first child for the very first time they are madly deeply in love. They "ooh" and "aah" over every spit bubble and poopy diaper. This was not the case with me. After being home 3 days with Ethan, living on little to no sleep, I was ready to throw in the towel. I had quit my job teaching 5th graders so I could stay home and be a mom. My 5th graders loved me, and told me on a daily basis. I was used to being applauded for a job well done. When I bathed Ethan he peed on me. After I gave him a satisfying meal, he'd poop it all back out and cry because he had a gas bubble. I just didn't feel like I was being rewarded for a job well done. Needless to say, I had to learn to love being a mother. I started to get into the groove and found myself pregnant with another child. Ethan was almost 1 and really wanting to be entertained all the time. It was a whole new phase that I had to get used to and learn to love. I was exhausted. I felt spent and overwhelmed. I felt like life was leaving and I was being drug in the mud behind it. Hard times. I wouldn't trade them though. It takes times like those to appreciate what you've got. I've worked hard at becoming the mother I am today. And today I had one of those "a-ha" moments. It was because of this bowling game:

We inherited this game from the nursery annual-clean-out-the-closet when Ethan was about Landon's age. After 2 days of putting up these pins and cheering on Ethan as he knocked them down, I hid them in a closet. Being the entertainment committee was wearing me out. I don't know why I didn't discard them in the dumpster. But I didn't. Landon found these the other day. When I first saw them lying on the floor in the basement I kind of cringed at the memory. I stepped over them and pretended I didn't see them. My way of coping. This afternoon while I was unloading the drier and loading the washer I heard a big crash. I ran into the dining room to see Landon with a big grin. "I bowled the pins over!" I laughed. Then I watched as he gathered them all back up into his arms and stood them on end for another round. He is the same age as Ethan was when I played constant companion. Only Landon didn't need me to stand them up, and he took care of the applause himself as he knocked them over. I realized as I watched him that my life has changed drastically since I first became a mom. People always ask how I do it with 4 kids and one on the way. This is how. Kids grow up. They start to do things for themselves. Even when you have a toddler, he watches the older kids and figures out how to do things on his own. They become each others entertainment committee. I find myself often times being referee, but a lot of the times I get to sit on the sidelines and silently cheer on their budding friendships. I smile a lot more than I did back then. I actually laugh with and at my kids. They are pretty funny. And they are fun to talk to. Their perspectives are always so fresh. Their words so comical and sincere at the same time. As Kennedy loaded her backpack this morning for school Jack squatted down next to her and ever so quietly said "I love you Kenna." In response "I love you too Jack". If I went back to the beginning and gave up all the trials of being a new mother then I don't think I would have appreciated that small conversation as much as I did. Don't get me wrong, I still have my pull-out-my-hair-days when all I want to do is lock myself in a closet to get away from them all. It's becoming more of a mental game now that they are older. But I'm mostly happy. Here I sit with a swollen belly that contains #5. I'm not afraid of not loving this child. I'm not even afraid of being peed on, and not feeling rewarded for what I'm doing. I'm excited for the freshness a newborn brings. I'm excited for late-night feedings in the lazy boy when it's just me and the babe alone in the dark. I now know that the really hard exhausting part moves quickly. I think I've finally reached a high point in this learning curve.