Wheels for Heels....

One Friday morning I got up pretty early, as I typically do. Presley likes to eat as the sun rises. Sometimes she goes back to sleep, and sometimes she stays awake. I rarely go back to dreamland. I usually send Shawn off to work, and then I start my typical morning routine of getting the kids off to school. When I have a little time before the waking ritual, I usually head into my bathroom. After emptying my bladder for the 2nd time since waking (bladders are never the same after 5 kids), I usually find myself in front of the mirror. I like to examine all the negative aspects of my figure. The extra fluff around my middle, the way my thighs touch each other, my jiggly arms. So the self-loathing begins. Self pity is in abundance. This morning was the same. I didn't have to weigh myself because I changed weigh in day to Mondays. Thank goodness. My mental state couldn't have born that burden this morning. I left the bathroom knowing that today I'd have to run extra hard. A lot happened before I was able to actually begin that run. I was glad when Shawn showed up around 11 so I could run outside. I feel like I've mastered the indoor run. My treadmill has a tv and a flex-deck, so it's really like going on vacation. It's still a workout. But for some reason I've mentally conquered any pitfalls I might have. Outside is a different story. There are hills. And wind. And people that can see me. Mentally this is challenging. Especially when I start off a run with my mind cluttered with negative self-loathing thoughts. In all actuality, I'm not really a runner. I think you have to be really good at running to consider yourself that. I can go further and faster now than ever before. But I still don't consider myself a true runner. I'm just a girl trying to get this cumbersome body to move. The sun was shining full force at 11, and it was hot. I found myself chattering within myself. You can't do this. You are sooooo slow. C'mon slug. Pick up the pace. If only I was 10 pounds lighter. Then I could go farther. Running outside is hard enough, but you add this incessant negative chatter and it's a disaster. 40 minutes in and I quit. I just stopped. And I walked. I still had to get home. More negative chatter. Loser. You couldn't even make it the entire way home. What is wrong with you? You've done this route before and made it just fine. Loser. Man. I felt my body start to tense. I wanted to at least finish the last 1/2 mile running. As I turned the corner onto my street I was hit---BAM! Perspective at it's finest. In the form of my neighbor. My neighbor in a wheelchair. He was out collecting his mail. Only I could tell it was a chore. His arms have limited mobility so it was slow going to get the mailbox door open. I felt naked. And guilty. If he could have heard that little person in my head a few minutes ago griping about my fat thighs. At least I have them. And they work. Great in fact. They let me travel a number of miles. Mostly running. Kind of changed my whole thought process in regards to my self worth. I've also changed my thoughts on running. Instead of just trying to fit in my cute pants I'm trying to become a true runner. One that loves the feel of the wind in my face. I'm trying to eat healthier because I feel better when I do. I'm pushing myself to run farther and faster because I can. And there are some that would, but can't. I'm just trying to enjoy myself and all that running has to offer. Fitting in my cute pants will probably be a side effect. A side effect that I can easily live with. Two weeks in and so far so good. Let's just hope this trend continues.